Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
