I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
