I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
