Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
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