Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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