do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
