I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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