i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
