If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
