1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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