I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You took a bar mat shot.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
