seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
