i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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