If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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