dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
