Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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