i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
