you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
