my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hippo gnu deer
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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