Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
