I faked an abortion last night.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
