woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
