Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
