It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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