wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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