Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
