Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
