the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
