i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
