i need an iv and a liver transplant
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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