So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
