Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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