When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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