Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
