Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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