If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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