i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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