I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i drank out of a bidet.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
