Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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