My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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