if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
