I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
