I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
