I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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