it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i used baking grease as lip gloss
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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