i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
