My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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