I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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