I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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