when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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