last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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