i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
