if you like me you must not know who I am
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
