i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
