She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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