you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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