Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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