3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
